just hold me down
by KelseyO
Summary: Aria tells Spencer she believes her, and she's not just talking about the pills. Post-4x20.


**I've been dying for an earth-shattering Sparia scene ever since the black-and-white episode, but since the show is insisting on dragging out the Spencer/pills/Ezria storyline for the next five thousand years, here's what my feelings are doing at the moment. Not beta'd.**

**Title from "All You Wanted" by Sounds Under Radio.**

* * *

She doesn't remember going back upstairs, or lying down, but there's someone touching her shoulder and saying her name.

"I'm sorry," she chokes out, and she doesn't roll over or even open her eyes, because she _knows_ she screwed up again and she _knows_ how disappointed everyone is, and she's too exhausted and nauseous to face them right now. "I told you, I'm _so _sorry."

"Spencer," the voice repeats; but it cracks, and that's something she's never heard from Veronica Hastings's mouth.

She forces her eyes open and rolls onto her back, pushing hair away from her sweaty forehead as she slowly registers the fact that Aria is sitting on the edge of her bed.

Her eyes are red and shiny, and Spencer's heart is pounding.

"I'm not gonna take the pills anymore," she blurts, trying to keep her own voice even. "I-I didn't mean for things to get so out of control. _Please_ believe me."

Aria swallows hard and nods a little. "I believe you, Spence."

Her words are quiet and heavy, and Spencer's insides turn to ice. "Aria?" she whispers.

"He knows things he shouldn't," Aria says thickly. "He already knew who I was, when we met. This whole time he's been lying to me, and writing about Ali, and…" A tear rolls down her cheek and she sniffs. "And he swears it's not as bad as it looks, but how am I supposed to believe that?" she finishes, finally looking at Spencer, and her expression is miserable.

Spencer wipes the moisture from her own cheeks and brings her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. "I wanted to tell you so much sooner… it _killed_ me not to. But I was so scared that—"

"That I would dismiss everything you said and let Ezra convince me you were just crazy?" Aria gives her a small shrug and continues dryly, "Gee, I can't imagine why."

Spencer takes a deep breath and blows it back out. "I shouldn't have gone as far as I did. I was only trying to figure everything out, but I should've found another way. I should've—"

"Hey," Aria interrupts softly, covering Spencer's hand with hers. "Not that I don't agree that you messing with the pills was an incredibly stupid idea, but I just found out that the love of my life has been manipulating me from day one, and I'd like to wallow in that for a little while."

Spencer manages a kind-of laugh and squeezes her hand back. "Come here," she says, holding out her arms and pulling Aria close, and for a long moment they hold each other tightly.

"Spence, you're shaking."

She immediately loosens her grip and leans away from the embrace, but not before Aria presses her palm to Spencer's forehead. "It feels like you have a fever," she murmurs, her eyebrows pulling together in concern. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Spencer replies, avoiding eye contact as she rakes her fingers through her hair. "I just. Haven't had any pills today."

"It's withdrawal," Aria guesses after a beat, her voice barely above a whisper.

Spencer shrugs. "Nothing I haven't gone through before, right?" It's meant to be a joke, but the words fall flat and crash to the floor.

"I'm so sorry we cornered you like that. It wasn't fair."

"When has anything about this been fair?" Spencer mutters, but then she gets buried by a wave of dizziness that makes her world go gray and fuzzy until she feels Aria squeezing her hand again. She grits her teeth as hot tears fall down her cheeks and tries to focus on breathing in and out, in and out.

"How long does this usually last?" Aria asks quietly, letting go of Spencer's hand and instead rubbing her back in slow, soothing motions.

Spencer's eyes droop closed. "A few days," she mumbles, then forces her eyes open again. "I thought you were gonna be upset about Ezra."

Aria's hand stalls for a beat before continuing its motions. "You basically got re-addicted to Adderall so you could figure out whether or not my boyfriend is evil. Which, again, incredibly stupid plan… but I think maybe I kind of owe you."

Spencer wets her lips and wills her hands to stop trembling. "You don't owe me anything."

"You're here because of me—"

"No," Spencer interrupts, shaking her head, "I can't let you take the blame for this. _I_ screwed up, okay? I fell back into an old habit and gave him a freaking silver platter full of ways to exploit it." She winces. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about him like—"

"Like he's probably responsible for several chapters' worth of the drama we've been going through?"

Spencer glances at Aria, and her eyes are sad and hard, but she can tell the anger isn't aimed at her.

"I think it's time we stopped defending him," Aria says, like every word is exhausting her. "I think it's time _I_ stopped defending him, and started admitting that he's done a lot of awful things."

Spencer sighs, or maybe deflates, and her head ends up on Aria's shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she whispers, "I wanted so badly to be wrong."

She feels Aria kiss the top of her head. "That actually means a lot, coming from you."

Spencer's eyes close again, but then a thought zips through her like an electric shock; she's turned around with her legs hanging over the edge of the mattress by the time she catches herself, and now she can barely breathe around the sobs building in her chest.

"Spencer?" She feels Aria shift behind her. "What just happened?"

"I forgot," she chokes out, resting her head in her trembling hands and pushing her hair out of her face.

"Forgot what?"

She sniffs and takes a deep, shaky breath. "I forgot I gave you guys the rest of my pills. Just for a second." It hurts like hell to say the words aloud, and she's shaking even harder now, and she almost doesn't feel Aria's hand on her arm.

"Come here," Aria says softly; at first Spencer just tries to shake her off, but Aria's grip doesn't let up and then she's twisting around until she's once again wrapped in Aria's arms. Aria leans back and brings Spencer with her, not seeming to care that Spencer is covered in a cold sweat or that she's crying all over Aria's t-shirt, though Spencer would still apologize for both of these things if she could breathe correctly.

Instead she lets her lungs sob, lets her body tremble, lets Aria's fingers ghost through her hair over and over again until her pulse finally starts to slow just a little, until she's thinking less about pills and more about the softness of her mattress, the warmth of Aria's body beside hers.

"Don't let me out of this bed until the sun's up," she mumbles to Aria's collarbone.

Fingers gently tuck her hair behind her ear. "Sweet dreams, Spence."

.

Later, she wakes up to the sound of Aria spilling her own tears; she reaches for Aria's hand and laces their fingers together without a word.

She sleeps.


End file.
